Gilbert Sister City Accused of Being Slut GILBERT AZ -- Gilbert sister-city Leshan, China was seen recently at the Mesa Skateland with Tommy Brand, noted area bum, sources reported yesterday. "I can't believe she's going out with him, " local teen Heather Sands remarked to this reporter. "I mean, he only wants one thing."
Named with great fanfare in October of 2001 as Official Gilbert Sister City, Leshan is now considered by many here to be a cheap slut. "She only likes him for his Corvette," reports Sands. The accusations are particularly troublesome to city fathers given previous sister city Newtownabbey, Northern Ireland's difficulties during the Hopeless Dweeb Scandal that rocked the area in 1996.
Gilbert White People to Celebrate Area Diversity
GILBERT AZ -- Announce "great strides" in diversity, Gilbert Mayor Ronald Peyton released new data demonstrating that "Gilbert is more diverse than ever!" Citing new census figures, Mayor Peyton pointed out that Gilberts Anglo population had decreased to 79.9% down from the 1990 census of 79.98%, even as Other increased to 0.02%, up from unmeasurable in 1990.
In a competing press conference, City Councilman Roy Been blamed the Mayor for the rise of Other, citing Mayor Peyton's hiring of Nguyen and Moa Van to the Mayor's household staff in 1998. "It's a blatant political ploy to inflate the diversity numbers is all it is," said Councilman Been. Mr. Van was unavailable for comment.
Dad Visits Gilbert!
GILBERT AZ -- Gilbert celebrates the arrival of Jim Walsh, noted father of your editor and famous rake and gad-about.
Gilbert Sister City Accused of Being Slut GILBERT AZ -- Gilbert sister-city Leshan, China was seen recently at the Mesa Skateland with Tommy Brand, noted area bum, sources reported yesterday. "I can't believe she's going out with him, " local teen Heather Sands remarked to this reporter. "I mean, he only wants one thing."
Named with great fanfare in October of 2001 as Official Gilbert Sister City, Leshan is now considered by many here to be a cheap slut. "She only likes him for his Corvette," reports Sands. The accusations are particularly troublesome to city fathers given previous sister city Newtownabbey, Northern Ireland's difficulties during the Hopeless Dweeb Scandal that rocked the area in 1996.
Gilbert White People to Celebrate Area Diversity
GILBERT AZ -- Announce "great strides" in diversity, Gilbert Mayor Ronald Peyton released new data demonstrating that "Gilbert is more diverse than ever!" Citing new census figures, Mayor Peyton pointed out that Gilberts Anglo population had decreased to 79.9% down from the 1990 census of 79.98%, even as Other increased to 0.02%, up from unmeasurable in 1990.
In a competing press conference, City Councilman Roy Been blamed the Mayor for the rise of Other, citing Mayor Peyton's hiring of Nguyen and Moa Van to the Mayor's household staff in 1998. "It's a blatant political ploy to inflate the diversity numbers is all it is," said Councilman Been. Mr. Van was unavailable for comment.
Pope Denounces Val Vista Lakes as "Cesspool of Vice"
GILBERT AZ -- Pope John Paul II stunned Gilbert townsfolk yesterday with the denouncement of popular housing development Val Vista Lakes as a "cesspool of vice and evil." The Pope further called upon God to "smite this wickedness from our midst." It is unknown how The Almighty reacted to the Pope's unprecedented announcement.
Study Finds Cancer Main Cause of Cancer
GILBERT AZ -- Gilbert scientists Dr. Max Levon and Dr. Wilma Anderton yesterday announced the results from a decade-long research project in which the causes of death for 2,931 cancer victims was studied. The 17 million dollar study, funded by the Gilbert Department of Public Safety comes to the startling conclusion that "over 56% of all cancer-victim deaths can be directly attributable to the unbridled growth of tumors." Drs. Levon and Anderton were unavailable for comment and are suspected of being in Mexico.
President Comes to Gilbert to Meet Sister City Gilbert will be honored by a visit from the President of the United States to participate in welcome ceremony for Gilbert Sister City on Friday. "The President looks forward to private, substantive discussions," said Press Secretary Ari Fleischer.
Gilbert Department of Economic Development Holds Bake Sale City elders call upon all Gilbert residents to attend this Saturday's Department of Economic Develop Bake Sale. The theme this year will be Carrot Cake Jubilee. Proceeds will go directly into the gluttinous pockets of City Councilman Roy Been.
Gilbert Chapter of Amnesty International Holds Torture Seminar Amnest International will host their Third Annual Torture Seminar at the Comfort Inn Desert Room at US 60 and Stapely Road this Thursday. Spanish interpreters are still needed.
Chandler/Gilbert Community College to Teach Fractions Seats remain available at CGCC's new classes on fractions. Over 22 students have signed up for an available 28 seats, with over two-thirds still open.
Trooper Jim Sez:
"Well, I could have been an artist. I could just draw the hell out of that ol' Sparky."
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of the coveted Walsh Award!
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Gilbert Sister City Accused of Being Slut
Gilbert White People to Celebrate Area Diversity
Dad Visits Gilbert!
Pope Denounces Val Vista Lakes as "Cesspool of Vice"
President Comes to Gilbert to Meet Sister City
