November 15, 2001 - Volume 1, Issue #5
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News from the Greater Gilbert MetroplexEvents and Happenings
Gilbert Mourns Death of Palm Tree
GILBERT AZ -- Hundreds turned out today to mourn the passing of the third largest palm tree in the back yard of Gilbert man Kevin Walsh. "It was a lovely tree, even though it was smaller than the other two," said one resident who asked to remain anonymous. "It's a shame, a horrible tragedy, and it died before its time," said the source, reflecting a broadly held suspicion that the tree died other than a natural death.
"Foul play has not been ruled out," said Gilbert Sherrif Randy Creed, lead investigator in the death. "We're not saying it's a homicide, but it hasn't been ruled out." The Sherrif went on to cite a shocking lack of discipline displayed in Walsh's watering routine.

Area Dog Predicts Apocalypse
GILBERT AZ -- Gilbert citizens began hoarding foodstuffs and gasoline today after local mixed breed puppy Tucker predicted the onset of the Apocalypse, slated to begin next Wednesday. Hundreds were injured at Val Vista Crossing Safeway when panic-stricken citizens screamed and fought their way through crowds of equally fearful fellow residents to obtain bread, milk, Cheetos and other staples in anticipation of the chaos and horror expect to be unleashed upon a sinful world.
Tucker could not be reached for comment due to an appointment with the veterinarian to have his toe-nails trimmed.

Pope Declares War on Toenail Fungus
GILBERT AZ -- Gilbert residents huddled around radios and televisions in stunned silence today as Pope John Paul II angrily declared war on toenail fungus, declaring it a disease "that affects 10-12 million Americans. It can affect toenails, fingernails or both. Characteristic features of toenail fungus include thick, yellow or brittle nails; accumulation of debris under the nail or detachment of the nail from the nail bed."
The pontiff spoke passionately of the difficulties faced by long-suffering patients, and pointed out the availability of SPORANOX to fight the affliction.
"Before SPORANOX became available, many doctors did not treat toenail fungus because available therapies were not as effective. Now we have an option for people to fight the embarrassment, disfigurement and the physical pain of toenail fungus."

Sun Plunges Below Horizon, Returns Today
GILBERT AZ -- In a startling turn of events, the sun dipped below the horizon yesterday evening, plummeting the entire Metroplex into utter darkness. The inky blackness persisted for an interminable period of time, only to recede upon the return of the solar orb this morning. Residents are understandably concerned and await the onset of evening with some trepidation.

President Declares November "Day of Prayer"
Gilbert will honor the President's request to consider November a National Day of Prayer this Saturday with a beer festival and bikini billiards tournament at Freestone Park, starting at 2pm.

"Gilbert Days" Celebrates Gilbert, Days
City elders and residents of Gilbert will gather this Saturday to celebrate Gilbert Days, an annual acknowledgement of the existence of Gilbert and daytime. The festival will begin at Rodeo Park, a former County Landfill converted into a 46 acre park, located at Ray & Val Vista Roads. Tetanus innoculations will be provided on site.

New Walgreens to Close
Gilbert will celebrate the closing of the 10,238th Walgreens to be built in town.

City Councilman Celebrates Acquittal
A party will be held this Friday by Gilbert City Councilman Roy Been at his home to celebrate his acquittal on charges of assault, harrassment and stalking of fellow Councilman Tony Dean Mathers.

Trooper Jim Sez:

"It's like I tell my mama, being a trooper ain't nowhere near as glamorous as it looks."

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