Terrorists Destroy Water Main
GILBERT AZ --
As the result of an apparent terrorist attack, the home of Gilbert
resident Kevin Walsh was temporarily without water over the weekend. "It
was horrible. I couldn't brush my teeth, or shave, or anything." Gilbert
Water District employee Rick Santee responded to the emergency by shutting
off the water. Santee did not, however, repair the cut main. "I'll fix anythin' before
the meter, after that it belongs to the home owner."
Local police are baffled by the crime, reporting that no group
has as yet taken credit for the act. "It's a real puzzler," remarked
Gilbert Sherrif Randy Creed.
Distraught, Dog Collapses
GILBERT AZ -- Local mixed breed puppy Tucker collapsed
today upon hearing of the latest move by the Federal
Reserve to cut interest rates by one quarter per cent.
"He was sure it was going to be more than that," local resident Sean
Walsh remarked. "I mean, at least a half per cent would have been
more reasonable. He really had his heart set on something better."
Pope Visits Gilbert Walmart
GILBERT AZ -- In a surprise move, Pope John Paul
II visited the Dobson Road Walmart this morning,
reportedly to spread "blessings and good cheer." Store
Greeter Danny Kelso was pleased with the Pontiff's visit.
"It sure was nice to see John Paul. He's lookin' real good."
Mr. Kelso was apparently not so overwhelmed by the Pope's visit
as to forego the usual receipt check upon his exit from the store.
"It ain't impossible that he might slip somethin' by me."
Sun Plunges Below Horizon, Returns Today
GILBERT AZ -- In a startling turn of events, the sun dipped
below the horizon yesterday evening, plummeting the entire
Metroplex into utter darkness. The inky blackness persisted for
an interminable period of time, only to recede upon the return
of the solar orb this morning. Residents are understandably concerned
and await the onset of evening with some trepidation.
President Touts Accomplishments
Mr. Bush is understandably proud of his
administration's ability to piss off Europeans.
The world needs more pissed off Europeans.
Sean May Clean Room
While the proof is in the pudding, all of Gilbert awaits
the outcome of this weekend to see if Sean does indeed
clean his room.
New Walgreens to Open
Gilbert will celebrate the grand opening of the
10,238th Walgreens to be built in town.
Local Politician Deemed a Liar
In a shocking turn of events, local town councilman Tony Dean Mathers
was declared a "goddamned liar" by fellow councilmembers Roy Been and
Trooper Jim Sez:
"You just gotta believe that inhaling sawdust ain't good for you."