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News from the Greater Gilbert Metroplex
Events and Happenings
Local Man Addicted to Food
GILBERT AZ -- It's not just that Gilbert resident Kevin Walsh wants to eat,
but that he must eat - and
regularly, or he will die. Indeed, so addicted to food is Walsh that he
must eat up to three times each and every
day. "You can't imagine the inconvenience, having
to drop what you're doing three times a day just to eat. It's heartbreaking
at times."
Scientists disagree on just how long it is possible for Walsh to
abstain from eating; some say two weeks, others insist that he can survive
for up to thirty days without consuming food. "Nobody really knows, and Kevin
won't cooperate in our studies. It's very frustrating," says Paul Felton,
Professor of Biology at the Phoenix College of Industrial Arts. Felton is
considering legal action to force Walsh's cooperation. Says Felton, "It's a unique
opportunity for study. I think he owes it to humanity to help uncover the
truth."
Tree Falls in Forest, Makes No Noise
GILBERT AZ -- An age-old question was finally answered yesterday
when a sixty year-old coniferous fir tree toppled in the Tonto
National Forest and produced no noise. "Well, we finally know," said
Forest Service employee Randolph Angelou. "I was having coffee just
a mile from the spot where the tree fell and I didn't hear a thing."
Pope Warns Flock: Floss Regularly
VATICAN CITY, VATICAN -- The Pope stunned millions
of Catholics yesterday with the release of a Papal Bull
denouncing improper dental care. His admonition on the
importance of flossing was particularly controversial,
especially with American Catholics. "This is just another
example of an out-of-touch Pope dictating archaic dental practices
to a modern industrial nation" complained Sister Theresa Adams
of the Chicago Archdiocese.
Sun, Sun, Sun, Here Comes
MISSISSIPPI RIVER -- Little darlings everywhere
celebrated the emergence of the sun following a long, long
lonely winter in this small midwestern town. "It seems like years
since it's been here," said local resident Mildren Moss.
President Celebrates Polish Sausage Day
The popular holiday receives presidential attention this week.
Millions of Germs Die in Chemical Warfare Atrocity
Area housewives conduct chemical warfare in Saturday morning killing spree.
Town to Celebrate Death of Jesus
Upcoming Sunday ceremony will reportedly be attended by hundreds.
Local Home Depot to Be Closed
Following it's conviction for public endangerment
for selling sharp, pointed metal spikes which during
the trial, corporate leaders alleged were for "holding
pieces of wood together," Home Depot will
have a close-out sale this weekend.
Trooper Jim Sez:
"You just can't expect anybody to understand why you're building
a boat in your garage. That's mostly because it just ain't
normal."
Winner of the coveted Walsh Award!
The site preferred by 2 out of 10 ridiculously stupid people!
Local Man Addicted to Food
Tree Falls in Forest, Makes No Noise
Pope Warns Flock: Floss Regularly
President Celebrates Polish Sausage Day
