Friday, October 04, 2002
72 Winner of the coveted Walsh Award! This site is certified 21% EVIL by the Gematriculator Hit Counter
incredibly bored people served!

Holy Moses! An Actual Update!
Gilbert Shopping-Plex News Breaking News
Gilbert No Longer Relevant
GILBERT AZ -- The editor of this site, having moved out of the greater Gilbert Shopping-Plex, has decided that Gilbert is no longer relevant to his life, and thus to the many readers of this site.

My life has taken a number of twists and turns, dear readers, and avid fans of this site will be happy to hear that once things settle down in the coming months, I will be re-focusing on a new and improved version of this site. Stay tuned!

Pope Seeks Silver Lining in Gilbert's Demise
GILBERT AZ -- Pope John Paul II sought to calm the fears of Gilbert today by pointing out the "bright side" of the massive destruction anticipated by scientists when the giant asteroid arrives next month. "There are a number of excellent social uses for a fifteen mile wide crater," the Pontiff said. "Imagine the recreational possibilities once the bodies and rubble are cleared away."

Analysis - Asteroid's Spin Fuels Speculation on Rock's Political Leanings
GILBERT AZ -- The announcement this morning by Richard Breed, director of the Gilbert Astronomical Society that "Baby Huey," the giant asteroid hurtling toward Gilbert "spins to the right, at least from the perspective of planet Earth," set off loud, rancorous speculation on the politics of the massive rock. Republican claims that the rightward-leaning aspect of the heavenly body is a strong indication that "God is on our side," are countered by Democrats who say that it's potential for enormous destruction simply confirms the fact that rightist policies are disastrous for Gilbert residents. So who is right?

The truth, as always, probably lies somewhere in the middle. While God indeed may favor right-leaning policies, God's track record with respect to the well-being of human kind is somewhat spotty. The fact that the Mongol Hordes overran much of Europe and the Far East in previous centuries would indicate some level of Divine Acquiescence, but given the suffering of millions of people in that part of the world at the hands of the Mongols, it could be considered that God's favor is a mixed blessing with respect to humanity at large.

In the end, the proof will be in the pudding that results from the impact of the asteroid. Should more Republicans than Democrats remain standing, the profound political shift in Gilbert politics will resonate for decades to come, and would be a clear indication of God's Favor to the Right, but given the massive numbers of dead and maimed, Democrats could easily claim the veracity of their conviction that the harmful, mean-spirited results of conservative policies are obvious for all who care to look.

But this reporter cannot help but wonder, what if more Democrats were to remain? If that happens, it will be interesting to see how comfortably Democrats wear the unfamiliar mantle of His Favor in the midst of overwhelming destruction, and it is hard to see how the Republicans can lose when Gilbert dies.

Acorn Launched
TEMPE AZ -- Just when everyone, and I mean everyone was absolutely convinced that I wouldn't finish it, the might Acorn Petunia was launched at Tempe Town Lake in Tempe, Arizona. Avid readers will be happy to hear that the boat sails like a dream. See the video of the boat launch here. Those of you requiring a Quicktime  version may view it here. Be warned, these files are around 5 megabytes in size.

Acorn Successfully Float-Tested
GILBERT AZ -- The Acorn Tender Petunia underwent exhaustive testing in a simulated water environment prior to its launch. No expense was spared, friends, to insure that the integrity of the vessel met the rigorous standards necessary to brave the difficult waters of Tempe Town Lake. Here are some photographs of the test:

RIP, Tucker Boy

AVA MO -- My partner in boat-building crime, Tucker Boy, was killed in March of 2003. While moving to my farm in Missouri, Tucker took a liking to chasing cars and paid the ultimate price for his addiction. He was much loved and is missed terribly.


Events and Happenings
President to Celebrate Autumnal Equinox as Gilbert Prepares to Die
The President announced his plan to attend Gilbert's Fall Festival of Fun, which will proceed as scheduled despite the looming impact of Baby Huey. Presidential spokesperson Ari Flescher calmed fears that the President would be in mortal peril should he elect to attend the festival. "The President will be back in Washington in plenty of time," said Fleischer. "He plans to watch the whole thing on CNN."

Gilbert Fire Department to Conduct Home Reinforcement Seminars
Gilbert Fire Chief Sam Salone announced a series of seminars on "asteroid proofing the home" which he believes will allow Gilbert residents to "feel better about things." Topics will include tin-sheathing on roofs, how to protect windows with plywood and protecting rose bushes from ash-laden fallout. Chief Salone will be available to provide advice and counsel as needed from his brother's home in Florida.

Council on Foreign Relations, Masons to Celebrate Fruition of Evil Plans
Local CFR chapter leader Ron Olsen and Masonic Order member Herb Culley announced a week-long festival celebrating the culmination of years of painstaking planning, plotting and evil. "It's about damned time," said Olsen when news of Baby Huey's impact was revealed. "I've had these cheery paper plates and dishes ready for quite a while now."

Chandler/Gilbert Community College Announces Fall Schedule
CGCC's Fall Schedule was published this morning, and classes will go forward as usual despite the imminent arrival of Armageddon-like destruction in the form of Baby Huey, the giant asteroid of death. "Life goes on, " said Chanceller Vivian Rose.