July 5, 2001 - Volume 1, Issue # 4
Winner of the coveted Walsh Award! New Stuff: Back on the building track!

Click to receive email
when this page is updated
Powered by NetMind
News from the Greater Gilbert MetroplexEvents and Happenings
Terrorists Destroy Water Main
GILBERT AZ -- As the result of an apparent terrorist attack, the home of Gilbert resident Kevin Walsh was temporarily without water over the weekend. "It was horrible. I couldn't brush my teeth, or shave, or anything." Gilbert Water District employee Rick Santee responded to the emergency by shutting off the water. Santee did not, however, repair the cut main. "I'll fix anythin' before the meter, after that it belongs to the home owner."

Local police are baffled by the crime, reporting that no group has as yet taken credit for the act. "It's a real puzzler," remarked Gilbert Sherrif Randy Creed.

Distraught, Dog Collapses
GILBERT AZ -- Local mixed breed puppy Tucker collapsed today upon hearing of the latest move by the Federal Reserve to cut interest rates by one quarter per cent. "He was sure it was going to be more than that," local resident Sean Walsh remarked. "I mean, at least a half per cent would have been more reasonable. He really had his heart set on something better."

Pope Visits Gilbert Walmart
GILBERT AZ -- In a surprise move, Pope John Paul II visited the Dobson Road Walmart this morning, reportedly to spread "blessings and good cheer." Store Greeter Danny Kelso was pleased with the Pontiff's visit. "It sure was nice to see John Paul. He's lookin' real good." Mr. Kelso was apparently not so overwhelmed by the Pope's visit as to forego the usual receipt check upon his exit from the store. "It ain't impossible that he might slip somethin' by me."

Sun Plunges Below Horizon, Returns Today
GILBERT AZ -- In a startling turn of events, the sun dipped below the horizon yesterday evening, plummeting the entire Metroplex into utter darkness. The inky blackness persisted for an interminable period of time, only to recede upon the return of the solar orb this morning. Residents are understandably concerned and await the onset of evening with some trepidation.

President Touts Accomplishments
Mr. Bush is understandably proud of his administration's ability to piss off Europeans. The world needs more pissed off Europeans.

Sean May Clean Room
While the proof is in the pudding, all of Gilbert awaits the outcome of this weekend to see if Sean does indeed clean his room.

New Walgreens to Open
Gilbert will celebrate the grand opening of the 10,238th Walgreens to be built in town.

Local Politician Deemed a Liar
In a shocking turn of events, local town councilman Tony Dean Mathers was declared a "goddamned liar" by fellow councilmembers Roy Been and Deborah Smalley.

Trooper Jim Sez:

"You just gotta believe that inhaling sawdust ain't good for you."

member of the Boatbuilding Ring Previous Site Random Site List Sites Next Site